Al's House of Drabbles
by Alacron
Summary: Back in business! From Sasuke's Linkin Park collection, to plans for world domination, to Akatsuki drinking games, Al's House of Drabbles has it all!
1. Compensation?

**Title:** Compensation?

**Words: **349

**Rating: **T, for innuendo

**Genre: **Humor

**Timeline:** In-between Wave Country and Chuunin Exams

"Yeah!" Naruto had shouted, "Beach time!"

What a simple concept. It was right in the middle of summer, and Sakura had decided to gather up the Rookie-9 for a beach trip. Almost everyone had agreed, except Shino, who couldn't see any reason to go to the beach. Sasuke had taken a lot of convincing, but finally conceded once Kakashi had made him go. Naruto and Sakura weren't exactly sure how he'd managed that little miracle, but once their speculation had gotten to things involving a French-maid's outfit and a pineapple, they had decided to just leave it a mystery.

So the eight rookies had packed up some beach gear made their way for the coast, with Kurenai volunteering as a chaperone. And of course, by the time they had reached the beach proper, Naruto had acted like a fool and shouted at the top of his lungs while sprinting for the water. And of course, the overeager blonde had managed to trip over something, in this case the shell of a hermit crab which was buried just under the sand, and fell flat on his face, making himself look like a complete moron.

And the others would have laughed, had they not got that fateful glance up his swim trunks.

Sasuke had been the first to recover, two full seconds later, blinking a few times and realized his mouth was hanging open, which he closed with a click. He looked at the rest of the group to make sure he wasn't seeing things.

Sakura and Ino were staring slack jawed, while Kiba and Akamaru had identical looks of shock on their faces. Hinata had fainted dead away, Shikamaru had dropped all the things Ino had made him carry, and Chouji had actually _stopped_ eating. Kurenai looked to be trying to stop the flow of blood coming from her nose.

Sasuke knew then and there that he would never look at Naruto the same way again. He was still the biggest idiot the Uchiha had ever known, but god seemed to have a way of compensating for things like that.


	2. Random Crossover 2473

**Title:** Random Naruto Crossover #2473  
**Words: **218  
**Rating: **T, for colorful language  
**Genre: **Crack  
**Timeline:** None  
**AN:** Try and guess the other series.

Naruto pinched the bridge of his nose. "Okay, so let me see if I got this straight, you're saying that my world has been ivaded by dark beings."

"Yes."

"Orochimaru, _the_ biggest prick from my world, has teamed up with them and is now wrecking havoc on pretty much everything in sight, looking for something important."

"Right."

"But you can't tell me what he's looking for?"

"Correct."

"And now you expect me to drop everything and help you find this thing, so that you guys can find it first, before the bad guys do?"

"Exactly!"

Naruto stared at the three, then turned around and began walking away. "Fuck off."

"What?" The three exclaimed.

Naruto sighed, "You're story is pretty far-fetched, even by my standards. I mean, when you rip someone's heart out, they don't become a creature of darkness, they just die. And bleed. A lot."

The weirdest looking one (and that was saying a lot for this group) scratched his head, "I don't think we mean hearts in the literal sense. Do we?"

The duck yelled something in response, but Naruto couldn't understand a word of what he was saying anyway. The boy in black stepped forward, apparently having an idea, "We could pay you."

Naruto smiled, "If it's a mission you want, then let's talk prices."


	3. Random Crossover 5894

**Title:** Random Naruto Crossover #5894  
**Words: **634  
**Rating: **T, for colorful language  
**Genre: **More crack  
**Timeline:** None  
**AN: **Looking for ideas, so if anyone has requests, just say so in a review, or e-mail me or something. By the way, this was inspired by a scene from Ah! My Naruto by Gmusick.

* * *

As a six year old Naruto sat on a foot stool of a _very_ nice, yet somehow disturbing chamber, he could hear the two people arguing from the next room over. Somehow, the things that he was seeing didn't bother him as much as it would a normal six year old, what with the various statues of horrific beasts, paintings of people being slaughtered, and rugs made out of materials that he wasn't sure he wanted to know what they were. Perhaps it was they way that the nice girl who brought him here had treated him, and then politely asked a zombie and a dragon to make sure he didn't get hurt. Maybe it was the fact that people didn't glare at him here. Either way, he felt distinctly safer here than anywhere he'd been in his life. 

Still, he was rather confused about what was going on, so he tried to keep track of what he did know.

1. His last memory of Konoha had been of people standing around him with bloody two-by-fours, so odds were that he was dead.

2. When he woke up, a person with a pumpkin for a head had been trying to kill him.

3. The blonde girl who'd rescued him from pumpkin-head had taken him to a castle, and had delightedly welcomed him to Hell.

4. The blue-haired kid seemed to be in charge, and was currently arguing with the nice girl who brought him here over whether or not she could "keep" Naruto.

Said girl and boy made their way back into the room, still arguing.

"Please!"

"No!"

"Pretty please!"

"No!"

"Pretty please, with a cherry on top and whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles?"

"No means NO!"

There came a sniffle, and then "Why are you being so mean? Don't you have a heart?"

"Oh no you don't! Don't try and pull this shit on me again."

The girl sobbed, "How can you be so callous to an innocent boy? He doesn't have anywhere else to go…"

The blue haired boy didn't budge. "Raising a kid is more trouble than it's worth. And besides" He pointed a finger at Naruto's face, "I don't allow anyone but the most powerful into my castle, what makes you think I'd make an exception for some fucking useless brat like him?"

Naruto narrowed his eyes. He wanted to say something to make the blue haired kid stop bad mouthing him, but he wasn't so good at coming up with comebacks, so he decided to bite the bluette's index finger. The dragon and zombie who'd been watching over him gasped, and started inching for the door. The owner of said finger narrowed his eyes and lifted Naruto up, still firmly biting the finger, and looked him straight in the eyes. "Oi brat, what do you think you're doing?"

Naruto didn't say anything, and instead pulled himself up on the older boy's arm and began chomping on his arm in various places. The zombie and dragon stopped inching and started sprinting, and the nice girl giggled. The older boy watched Naruto bite him for a while, then grabbed him by the shirt collar and held him at eye level. "Just what are you trying to do brat?"

Naruto took a swing at him. "Stop calling me brat shit-head!"

The nice girl gasped. "Little boys shouldn't curse like that! Apologize now or I'll wash your mouth out with-"

The bluette raised a hand to silence her, and continued to stare down Naruto. After a minute long staring contest, the older boy asked, "Kid, what's your name?"

Naruto puffed up proudly, "My name is Uzumaki Naruto, the future Hokage of Konohagakure!"

The older boy grinned. "Not any more. From this day forward, you're a vassal to the Tyrant of the Netherworld, Laharl!"


	4. Songfic

**Title: **Songfic  
**Words: **905 (Whew! Long one… not that I'm the one who wrote most of it but whatever.)  
**Rating: **K, maybe K+  
**Genre: **Humor  
**Timeline:** Um… anywhere before the Rescue Sasuke Arc  
**AN:** My thoughts on Songfics and AMV's. Sort of. Just why are there so god damn many Linkin Park AMV's for Naruto? This will probably be funnier if you've seen a certain movie…

_

* * *

_

_The smile on your face lets me know that you need me  
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me  
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever I fall  
You say it best… when you say nothing at all_

Sakura sighed contentedly, while Naruto drummed his fingers on the ground. He would comment on how boring the music she had chosen was, but one black eye was enough for one day thank-you-very-much. Silently he wished he had his own CD player, but then realized it wouldn't have done much good anyway, since Kakashi-sensei was making them listen to each other's favorite music as a "team building exercise."

The blonde crossed his fingers as he heard the CD player begin to change discs. When he recognized the opening drum beat to one of his favorite songs his face split into one of his usual wide grins.

_When I wake in the morning,  
I want to blow into pieces.  
I want more than just ok, more than just ok.  
When I'm up with the sunrise  
I want more than just blue skies.  
I want more than just ok, more than just ok._

_I'm not giving up, giving up, not giving up now.  
I'm not giving up, giving up, not backing down._

_More than fine, more than bent on getting by.  
More than fine, more than just ok._

Naruto delightfully bobbed his head to the beat of the music as it went along. Kakashi was too, but he did that for most of the songs that they listened to anyway. Sakura listened, but Naruto could tell she was bored. Sasuke… The only time Sasuke showed any signs that he was awake was when one of his songs would come up.

_Nothing ever stops all these thoughts and the pain attached to them  
Sometimes I wonder why this is happening  
It's like nothing I can do would distract me when  
I think of how I shot myself in the back again_

Like now. Sasuke's eyes opened, and he began to tap his fingers to the drum beat with practiced ease.

_(Get away from me)  
Give me my space back you gotta just  
(Go)  
Everything comes down the memories of  
(You)  
I've kept it in but now I'm letting you  
(Know)  
I let you go so get away from  
(Me)  
Give me my space back you gotta just  
(Go)  
Everything comes down the memories of  
(You)  
I've kept it but now I'm letting you  
(Know)  
I let you go_

Naruto would have commented on his teammate's taste in music, but he had gotten that black eye mentioned earlier when he had tried to say something along those lines the first time a Linkin Park song had started playing. If the concussion wasn't screwing with his memories, then it had gone a little something like this…

"_WA-ha-ha-ha-ha! Sasuke-teme listens to emo-music!"_

"_Stop making fun of Sasuke-kun Naruto!" **WHAM!**_

Yeah, that hadn't been fun.

Then Naruto realized they hadn't heard any songs apart from the three CD's him, Sakura and Sasuke had brought. Had Kakashi-sensei even brought any music with him?

The randomizer kicked up again and a catchy piano tune came across the speakers.

_Well I heard about the fellow you've been dancing with  
All over the neighbourhood  
So why didn't you ask me baby  
Or didn't you think I could?_

_Well I know that the boogaloo is out of sight  
But the shingaling's the thing tonight  
But if that was you and me a now baby  
I would have shown you how to do it right  
Do it right (u-huh)  
Do it right (do it right)  
Do it right  
Do it right  
Do it right  
Aaah_

Naruto blinked. When had he stood up? And how had he learned to dance like that? And for that matter, where had Sasuke, Sakura and Kakashi learned to dance like that? And when had they practiced choreography?

_Twistin', shake it shake it shake it shake it baby  
Hey we gonna loop de loop  
Shake it out baby  
Hey we gonna loop de la  
Bend over let me see ya shake your tailfeather  
Bend over let me see ya shake your tailfeather  
Come on let me see ya shake your tailfeather  
Come on let me see ya shake your tailfeather  
Aaah_

_Twistin', shake it shake it shake it shake it baby  
Hey we gonna loop de loop  
Shake it out baby  
Hey we gonna loop de la  
Bend over let me see ya shake your tailfeather  
Bend over let me see ya shake your tailfeather  
Come on let me see ya shake your tailfeather  
Come on let me see ya shake your tailfeather  
Aaah_

_Come on, come on baby  
Come on, yeah, come on babe, alright_

_Do the twist  
Do the fly  
Do the swim  
And do the bird  
Well do the duck  
Aaah, and do the monkey  
Hey hey, watusi  
And a what about the food  
Do the mashed potato  
What about the boogaloo  
Oh, the bony marony  
Come on let's do the twist  
Aaah_

_Twistin', shake it shake it shake it shake it baby_

The song ended, leaving the three genin utterly bewildered. Kakashi just sat back down and opened his book again, as if they hadn't just broken into a well choreographed dance.

Kakashi smiled under his mask, knowing that no one, _no one_, could resist the Blues Brothers, especially not when Ray Charles was involved.

**Songs** (In order)  
"When You Say Nothing at All" by Ronan Keating  
"More Than Fine" by Switchfoot  
"Figure No. 9" by Linkin Park  
"Shake Your Tailfeather" by The Blues Brothers and Ray Charles


	5. Disgaea: Life After Life

**Title:** Disgaea – Life After Life  
**Words: **830  
**Rating: **T, for colorful language  
**Genre: **Even morecrack  
**Timeline:** Continuation of Drabble 3, "Random Crossover #5894  
**AN: **For those of you who still don't know what the series is, or have never seen/played it, do a Google search for Disgaea: Hour of Darkness, a game/anime. It's really quite cool.

* * *

Naruto had begun to adjust to his new "life" much more quickly than would imagine. It hadn't been easy at first, because Laharl (the overlord) had been right; only the strongest were allowed in this castle, and everybody _loved_ to fight. In fact, if Naruto had to make a list of things one would need to know about living in the castle it would be this.

1. You have to fight for your food

The first dinner he had eaten there had taught him a valuable lesson, and an even more valuable battle tactic: Hit and Run.

When he'd first entered, he was left in awe of the gigantic table with places set for an uncountable number of people. Laharl was sitting at the head, with Flonne, the fallen angel who'd rescued him, and Etna, Laharl's right hand, sitting at either side of him. The table was set with dozens of different dishes, beings of all species, from human to dragon to specter to… to whatever the hell _that_ was, beating each other senseless in an all out brawl for food.

The tiny blonde had been situating himself in a seat next to Flonne when a large pig-demon walked up beside him, and knocked him across the room with a flick of his wrist, simply saying, "Move, pipsqueak."

When he'd gotten up, Naruto sent his best glare at the demon, but didn't say anything. Instead he waited until the pig had filled his plate, and then kicked the strained chair leg as hard as he could. It snapped immediately, sending the demon tumbling. Naruto took the opportunity to leap up on his victim's bulbous stomach and steal his food. Then for added effect, he flipped off the pig demon and high tailed it out of the dining room.

2. You have to fight for a place to sleep.

Naruto had given up on this after the first day. He'd been used to sleeping on hard floors, so he usually just fell asleep wherever he'd ended up after his usual time spent exploring. His favorite place to sleep, however, was definitely the Dragon's Roost. It was only called that unofficially, since it was where all the dragons tended to sleep. Naruto liked it because the floor at a few leather rugs to sleep on, the dragon's snoring was nice and rhythmic, easily lulling a person to sleep, and they always had a powerful fire burning, making the room warm and very cozy.

3. Training with Laharl was very, very painful.

The demon overlord, upon Flonne's insistence, had begun to train Naruto so he would be able to hold his own in a fight. Of course, Laharl wasn't the most powerful demon in the Netherworld for nothing, and even when he held back his punches felt like getting hit by a cannonball. By the end of the fifth week, Naruto could easily diagnose whether one of his bones was broken, or merely bruised, and tell you the name of the bone that had been harmed. The training was paying off though, as the blonde could actually dodge some of the Overlord's punches now, and they began to feel less like bullet trains, and more like actual punches. And thanks to that training he'd learned another thing about the Netherworld.

4. No injury is ever permanent

He'd learned after his first training session with Laharl, and he'd been sent to the medical ward. The nurse had said a few funny words, waved her hands and suddenly his arm bent the right way again. Then the nurse had asked him to try and get even more injuries before he came next time, since Laharl was the one footing the bill.

He'd also met a lot of new friends in the Netherworld, including the Kitsune that had been sealed in his stomach, and caused the people of Konoha to hate him. It was still sealed, but when another Kitsune had realized that he had used a spell that allowed him to speak with the bastard. The Kitsune who cast the spell was named Reena, and as it turned out, she was the sister of the fox sealed inside of him.

Naruto had laughed for a half-hour straight when he'd learned the fox's name was Leonard.

When he'd turned eight, Laharl put Naruto into the Nightmare Soldiers, the Overlord's personal army. As it turned out, every demon who resided in the castle was a high ranking member of the NS, and if Naruto could rise to the rank of First Class by the time he turned twenty, Laharl would kick him out of the castle.

He'd done it by the time he was twelve.

Then he'd gotten a very special mission from Laharl.

"Hey kid," he'd said, "I convinced the Dark Senate to open a gate to your world. I've been thinking about conquering it myself, but I figured you'd enjoy the job more than I would. You want it?"

Naruto's face split into a grin.


	6. Random Crossover 3876

**Title:** Random Naruto Crossover #3876  
**Words: **578  
**Rating: **K+  
**Genre: **CRACK!  
**Warnings: **Incredibly stupid. No spoilers.  
**AN:** Just be glad I didn't turn this into a real fic. Once again, try to guess the series. Shouldn't be to hard if you've seen this anime.

* * *

Eight year old Naruto sat in the forest, nursing the injuries that he'd incurred after his last prank spree. He'd let the Nara family's deer out of their fence, dumped mud on the mannequin of the seamstress who refused to sell him anything, and painted Iruka-sensei's face like a clown. And for all his hard work, he'd received a black eye from the seamstress, been pinned to the ground by Shikashi, and gotten another hour long lecture from Iruka-sensei. All in all it was a pretty normal Friday for the blonde.

Until he heard the sounds of a battle in the depths of the forest that is, and being the precocious little punk that he was, Naruto just _had _to go bug whoever was fighting. He made his way through the underbrush, and what he saw shocked him.

One of the most oddly dressed men he'd ever seen was battling a monster. The man leapt out of the way of a claw swipe, and took a swing at the monster. The beast was barely fazed, and batted him to the ground, this time pinning him. Naruto could hear the beast chuckle, and open its gaping maw to eat the man, if he hadn't slammed his palm to its face and shouted something, Naruto couldn't make out what, and suddenly the monster was destroyed.

Naruto ran up to the man, "Hey, old man! What was that thing?"

The warrior looked down at him, adjusting his sunglasses as he did so. "Young boy, you could see that beast?" Naruto nodded, "Amazing." The man said, rubbing his chin, "To have you're powers manifest at such a young age."

"Hey old man! What are you talking about?"

The man smirked, "Boy, I am going to give you my special training to bring out your powers."

Naruto beamed, "Really."

The man beamed back, "Yosh! Let's get started right away!"

(Along comes Monday)

Iruka took roll, noting that once again Naruto was not there. He sighed, wondering what his little blonde thunderbolt was doing, and who he was pissing off.

Then the door to the classroom slammed open, Iruka turned expecting to see Naruto in the hands of another Chuunin or angry shopkeeper. What hadn't been expecting, was to see Naruto standing in a shower of confetti, sunglasses, a cape, and other equally outlandish clothes. He had his arms crossed over his chest, each hand touching the opposite shoulder. "BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

The class stared at him in utter shock, including Mizuki and Iruka. Apparently, even the other children were too stunned to laugh at the ridiculousness. But the blonde wasn't done yet, he pointed to the class and shouted, "SPIRITS ARE ALWAYS WITH YOU!"

Mizuki stood up with an exasperated sigh, "Come on Naruto, cut the crap and sit down." The Chuunin began to approach the blonde, but Naruto leapt back.

"Wah! Bad spirit, stay away!" The blonde held out his hand, "Golden Kanonbal!"

A small orb of blue light ignited in his palm, and slowly began floating towards the teacher. Mizuki spared a glance at the orb, then started advancing on his student again. "Naruto, that's a neat trick and all but-"

As soon as the he touched the ball, it exploded, sending Mizuki flying backwards and through the wall, into the training yard. Slowly, all eyes turned from the smoking, human shaped hole in the wall, to the blonde who'd caused the explosion.

"Yosh! Mission Complete!" Naruto pumped his fist into the air.


	7. Foxhunter: Polytheism

**Title:** Fox-Hunter: Polytheism  
**Words: **363  
**Rating: **T  
**Genre: **General  
**Warnings: **I dunno, might be offensive to deeply religious people.  
**AN:** Wow, something not humor/crack. Companion drabble to my most popular fic, Fox-Hunter. But man, I try to do something serious and it ends up... bleh.  
**Summary: **Naruto contemplates his religion.

* * *

Naruto doesn't believe in God. Sarutobi had never talked about gods or religion, only about training, and people. He'd had faith in people, that they were all essentially good despite their shortcomings, and that it was his duty to guide and protect them as best as he could.

But Naruto had never questioned his belief that there was no god, it was just something that he'd always _known_. It had only been recently, when the Kyuubi's memories had started to become his own when he learned where he'd learned that.

It was actually less than accurate to say that he didn't believe in God. It was that he didn't believe in one god, nor did he _believe_, he _knew_. He knew that the Bijuu had been gods. He knew because they couldn't be described as anything else. Nothing was more powerful than the Bijuu, and to believe otherwise was utter blasphemy.

And now they were all gone. The world was godless, as all of the Bijuu had either died, in the case of the Kyuubi, or been sealed into a mortal vessel, in the case of Shukaku, and who knew what happened to the others.

Punishment for their sins, karma catching up them. That was the only explanation Naruto could think of for their fall from grace. They had become drunk on their hubris, and abused the powers that they'd worked so hard to earn. They had fought together against all odds, and made themselves the most powerful in Makai, Ningenkai, and all the other worlds. Fought against the previous rulers, those that had abused their powers, and once they'd reached the top they had become what they'd fought to destroy.

But Naruto didn't mourn the fall from grace. He prepared. He knew that he could restore himself at least to the former glory he'd had in his previous life. And once he'd made his way back to the top, he'd make sure not to fall into the same pitfalls he had before. He would use his powers in a way befitting of a god, rather than the punk he'd been.

And that was why Naruto knew gods didn't exist. Not yet anyway.


	8. Disgaea: Homecoming

**Title:** Disgaea - Homecoming  
**Words: **752  
**Rating: **T  
**Genre: **Back to the Crack!  
**Warnings: **Seriously, if you haven't read the first chapter, then this spoils NOTHING!  
**AN:** Back to what these drabbles are all about, the incredibly stupid ideas that don't work as actual fics!  
**Summary: **Naruto returns to Konoha, on the day of the Genin Exams.

* * *

"Yamanaka Ino?"

"Here."

Iruka smiled, "All right, everybody's here so we can start the exams." The brunette then noticed a raised hand. "Ah, yes Hinata? Did I forget to call you?"

The Hyuuga girl blushed, "Ah, Iruka-sensei, there's someone sleeping under the desks up here…"

Iruka blinked, and went up to the back row corner where Hinata always sat. He looked under the desk and sure enough, there was someone down there. He kicked the figure lightly, "Oi, wakey wakey, eggs and bakey."

The figure rolled over to face the man, "Eh?" He said groggily, "Morning already?"

"Sorry, but you can't sleep here. This is school." Iruka said politely, having dealt with bums who'd broken in before.

The figure lifted up the goggles that he was wearing and rubbed his eyes. "This is where you register as a Genin right?"

Iruka blinked, "Ah, yes. But what does that have to do with-"

The blonde shoved a paper in his face, "I filled out the paperwork, so all I have to do know is take the test right?"

"Well… Yeah, I guess. May I ask your name, young man?"

"Uzumaki Naruto."

There was a silence, and than a giant resounding "**WHAT?**"

* * *

Naruto stood at the front of the class, smiling broadly. He was wearing goggles over his eyes, a too large blue jacket with gold lining that reached his knees, with the sleeves rolled up to his knees, and no shirt underneath. He also had a pair of jean shorts, a skull resting on his right shoulder, and the number 251 emblazoned on the left shoulder and back of his jacket.

The class stared at the newcomer warily, remembering the class clown who'd died mysteriously six years ago. The boy in front of them certainly _resembled _him, but there was no way he could _be_ Naruto… right?

Mizuki stopped trying to wake the now unconscious Iruka for a second and stood up. "A-Ahem. N-Naruto, would like to introduce yourself to the c-class?" _'And if he does, maybe we'll learn why he's impersonating the Kyuubi-brat.'_

The blonde grinner wider, "Sure thing Mizuki-sensei. My name is Uzumaki Naruto, I was born the day the Kyuubi attacked the village, and when I was, the Fourth sealed it the demon into my stomach." He tabbed his belly for emphasis.

The students' jaws dropped. Mizuki gave up trying to gently wake his fellow teacher and instead swiftly kicked him in the side, waking the brunette up instantly. The blonde continued regardless. "When I was six, I was beaten to death by a bunch of people with two-by-fours since I had the fox-demon in my stomach." Iruka and Mizuki almost fell unconscious right there. The information of how Naruto died was classified from anyone who didn't know that Naruto was a Jinchuriki.

Iruka leapt to his feet. "What kind of sick joke is this? Naruto is dead, I identified the body myself."

The blonde smiled at the teacher, but this smile carried with it an air of danger, and did the skull on his shoulder just _move?_ "I'm not done with my story yet Iruka-sensei." He cleared his throat. "When I died, the Kyuubi's sins got transferred over to me, and I went to hell. Luckily, someone realized I wasn't the one who actually sinned, and took me in. I moved into the castle of the Overlord Laharl, ruler of the Netherworld, and trained under him in all forms of combat. When I was eight, I got drafted into the Nightmare Soldiers, Laharl's personal army. And just a little while ago, I got promoted to commander of my unit, after I'd killed the last commander. As of now, I am Nightmare Soldier First Class, and Commander of the 251st unit."

Mizuki's eye twitched. "Even _if_ all that's true, why on earth would you come back here to become a _genin_?"

Naruto looked at the teacher as if he'd just said something incredibly stupid. "Don't you remember? I'm going to become the Hokage!" There was a silence, "Oh yeah, and then I'm going to conquer the world in the name of Laharl."

The silence was deafening… until Naruto's stomach growled loudly. He patted his stomach, "Wow, I just realized I haven't eaten since yesterday." He looked at the skull on his shoulder, "Hey Murray."

The skull swiveled to face him, "Yeah boss?"

"Go and find me some ramen, I'm hungry."

"Sure thing boss." The skull hopped off his shoulder and made its way outside.

Half the class fainted in shock.


	9. Kingdom Hearts: Aftermath

**Title:** Kingdom Hearts - Aftermath  
**Words: **419  
**Rating: **T  
**Genre: **Broke-CRACK Mountain!  
**Warnings: **Some spoilers for Kingdom Hearts 2, maybe.  
**AN:** Just a reminder, I would like some prompts or ideas from anyone who'd like to see me write something. If you're interested, give me something to work with in a review or e-mail, Naruto, Sora, Donald and Goofy chat after the final battle for Naruto's world. Continuation of Drabble #2

* * *

"Wow, who would have thought that the keyhole was in the Hokage Monument the entire time!" Sora laughed.

Naruto remained silent.

"And those moves, I had no idea that ninja could do stuff like that." Sora laughed again.

Naruto was still silent.

Sora paled, "…Please don't kill me."

Naruto's eyebrow twitched, then smiled, but his eyes kept on twitching, "Oh, now why would I kill you? We are _good friends_ after all, right?" The trio nodded, "I mean, I can accept the fact that you guys don't have real money."

"People accept our money everywhere else…" Sora pouted.

"I can also accept the fact that you led me on a wild goose chase from the Sand to the Cloud." Naruto added, his eyes twitching more rapidly now. Then they shot open, and became bloodshot, "But what I _CAN'T _accept is the fact that in the final moments of my battle against Orochimaru, You three lunatics fall out of the sky and land on top of me, giving him ample time to flee and destroy the heart of my world!" The blonde pointed out of the window of the gummi ship they were in, "And now all my friends are Soulless!"

"Heartless." Donald corrected.

"You!" Naruto pointed a finger at the duck, "You aren't allowed to speak! You're the one who says I can't come with you guys to restore my world to the way it was!"

"We can't bring you! We can't meddle in the affairs of the world anymore than absolutely necessary!" Donald shouted back, "We'll drop you off at Radiant Garden, you should just leave restoring your world to us."

Naruto looked ready to pull out his hair. "It's your fault my world was destroyed in the first place! I'm so _not_ leaving it to _you!_"

Donald crossed his arms across his chest. "Tough. We're the only ones who can fly this ship, so you can't come unless we say so."

"I'm okay with it." Sora said.

"Me too." Goofy added.

"Traitors!" Donald shouted.

Naruto slouched into a chair. "Good, now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a nap."

Donald jumped at the blonde, "Hey! That's my seat!"

Naruto caught the duck in mid-air and threw him across the ship, and began ricocheting against various walls and control panels like a pinball. When the duck finally stopped, he was already unconscious. Naruto looked sheepishly at the other two. "Sorry, guess I went a little overboard."

"I'm okay with it." Sora said.

"Me too." Goofy added.


	10. Disgaea: The Test

**Title:** Disgaea – The Test  
**Words: **1,188 (Wow, getting longer eh?)  
**Rating: **T  
**Genre: **Crackity-crack! (Now don't talk back)  
**Warnings: **Ahoy! Uber-Naruto on the horizon!  
**AN:** And now we reach the reason why this is part of my drabbles collection instead of an actual fic. Uber-Naruto to the extreme, I'm talking like 10 times more overpowered than Fox-Hunter Naruto.  
**Summary: **Naruto takes the bell test.

* * *

Kakashi warily made his way to the classroom. He'd heard from both Mizuki and Iruka about how a boy claiming to be the deceased son of his old sensei had taken, and passed the genin exam, and not only that, had known and blabbed on several things that no one but a select few was supposed to know. If it was a spy, as some of the other jounin suspected, then it was frightening how much he knew. The usually laid back ninja didn't even want to think about what it might mean if _half_ of the blonde's story was true.

For once, the elite jounin was on time… relatively. He'd made sure to arrive after all the other students had left with their jounin sensei; he wanted as few people in the way if things got ugly in there. It had been why "Naruto" had been put in his team, they wanted the most powerful ninja available to watch him, and if possible, expose him.

"Gah! Get it the fuck off me!"

"N-Naruto! Call it off already!"

"Why? I think it's funny as hell!"

Kakashi sweat-dropped. He wondered if the talking skull, "Murray" apparently, was attacking the other students. Iruka and Mizuki had said they couldn't sense any chakra strings, and while that almost ruled out puppetry skills, it might still be worth checking out with his sharingan… Nah, it would do him well to at least _try _and earn the mystery boy's trust. If he found out that his sensei was spying on him, well, it would make things harder all around.

Kakashi slid the door open, and almost laughed himself. The skull, _'Murray'_ Kakashi reminded himself, was latched onto Sasuke's shirt on the small of his back, and Sakura was trying to help the Uchiha pry it off, but they weren't having much luck. They all looked at him, including Murray, as he fully entered the room. "Ah, Naruto?"

"Yeah?" The blonde replied, he had attached the plate of his forehead-protector to a black choker and was wearing it around his neck.

"Please refrain from having your, er… skull attack your teammates." Kakashi drawled.

Naruto nodded, "Murray, that's enough." The skull let go of the Uchiha's shirt and hopped its way back to Naruto's shoulder.

'_No chakra strings. Not even the slightest hint.' _Kakashi noted. _'I knew I should have bought extra sake yesterday.'

* * *

_

Team-7 had been waiting for their sensei for a good 15 minutes, and Sakura was already unnerved. Not only had she not eaten breakfast like her sensei had instructed, but she hadn't eaten dinner the night before either. _'Stupid diet, why is this figure so hard to maintain?'_

But that wasn't what unnerved her the most. It was her teammate, Naruto. Except… It couldn't be Naruto, because he was dead, but he was here, but he couldn't be here and- She mentally slapped herself. He was obviously an imposter, and she would work hard to expose him, just like her parents said. Anyway, "Naruto" was staring at her. He had been since they saw each other this morning, he had been most of yesterday, and during the test.

Finally she asked him, "Just why are you staring at me _Naruto_?"

He smiled handsomely at her, "You're cute."

She blushed, not expecting that. "A-ah, well, t-thank-you."

Then he grinned wider, "When I take over the world, you can be one of my concubines."

There was a silence…

"**WHA-AT?**"

* * *

"Oi, captain." Naruto's eyes fluttered open. He turned to face Murray, and eyed him expectantly, "It's quarter-till-noon, if you're gonna do something, now would be the time."

The blonde nodded, and yawned, "Stupid Earth bodies, I'm never gonna get used to this eight hours of sleep every day thing." He grumbled.

The blonde stood up and reached with his senses, looking for Sasuke's and Sakura's chakra signatures, _'Good, they're close to one another.'_ He began to make his way to where his teammates were, most likely, incapacitated.

The whole thing was obviously a teamwork drill, Naruto himself had participated in and orchestrated several during his time in the Nightmare Soldiers. Of course, this particular drill was distinctly less deadly and painful than his former captain's, "I've-chained-your-ankles-together-now-climb-this-frigid-mountain-in-the-buff" drill. Much less embarrassing too.

He stepped through the underbrush, looked at his teammates and burst out laughing. Sasuke glared at him, since that was all he could do with most of his body trapped under ground. Sakura was unconscious. Naruto casually walked over to his pink-haired teammate and slapped her a few times across the face. As she woke up, she screamed something about Sasuke being decapitated, and Naruto laughed even harder than before. He smiled at her, "Seriously Sakura-chan, if you can't get used to seeing severed heads, you should just quit being a ninja now."

The pink-haired girl glared at him, but then smiled as Naruto placed his hand on Sasuke's head and pulled him out of the ground with one good yank. The Uchiha glared at him, "I didn't need your help, fake."

Naruto continued to smile, "Look, we've got twelve minutes until the test is over, and none of us have a bell yet." Sasuke opened his mouth to say something arrogant, but Naruto pelted him the forehead with a pebble. "We could probably get both bells if we work together, and we can work out who passes and who doesn't later. Hell, I'll even fight you for a bell if you want to."

Sasuke smirked, it _would_ be much easier to fight Naruto than Kakashi (or so he thought), and he slowly nodded his head. Sakura agreed once Sasuke had as well.

Naruto's smile grew wider, then he placed his hands on his teammates' shoulders with a firm grip, "Then let's go!"

They were off like a rocket, Naruto carrying them both as he ran. Sakura was screaming, Sasuke grunted from the whiplash, but tried to remain calm as they moved impossibly fast. Then they heard Naruto shout, "Hey Kakashi-sensei! Catch!" Naruto suddenly threw Sakura through the foliage, still screaming. Then he dashed off after her, Sasuke could hear their sensei grunt as he caught their high-velocity teammate, and then saw the shock begin to register in his eyes as he saw Naruto barreling towards him. The blonde smiled even wider, and swung Sasuke upwards, making the Uchiha's firmly connect with the jounin's chin.

As Kakashi went flying, Naruto let go of Sasuke, and stole the bells off of Kakashi's belt, as well as several other things that Sasuke couldn't see. Then he grabbed his two currently airborne teammates and ran in the opposite direction that their sensei had been sent flying towards. He stopped on a tree branch, and set his teammates down, each discovered they now had a bell in their hands.

Kakashi's flight came to a stop when he hit a tree, and slowly slid down it. He shook his head and looked up, visible eye wide. Then it narrowed. "Alright Naruto, give me back my book, and my face-mask." He patted his vest to see if anything else was missing, "… and my wallet."


	11. Sex Ed

**Title:** Sex-Ed  
**Words: **691  
**Rating: **T  
**Genre: **Humor  
**Warnings: **No spoilers, but some… grossness. Saying what would ruin it.  
**AN:** God I love college. My professors aren't afraid to spend an entire class talking about absolutely horrible, nasty things.  
**Summary: **The academy students get sex-ed, and the teachers get revenge.

* * *

Suzume hated this day. Every student was required to take this class before they could graduate to genin status, which meant that the teachers would have to spend an entire day discussing the human reproductive system to their students. Every year, they would try to go through the entire lesson as quickly as possible, while trying to keep the students from giggling too much or making lewd remarks. Just what was so funny about hearing the words penis or vagina?

And it was just her luck that Mizuki would suddenly come down with a bad cold, and that _she'd _be the only teacher available to help Iruka handle his class. Lord knows it was hard enough getting his class to behave on any regular day, and nobody thought that the teacher deserved to have to teach them _this_ material by himself. That's why they'd needed a last minute sub.

She sighed inwardly as Iruka finished up talking about testicular cancer, trying his best to ignore all the snickers from the boys as he calmly told them how to check for it.

"That's how you check for cancer? Hell I've been doing that for years." Most of the class snickered at Kiba's joke.

Naruto raised his hand. "Suzume-sensei, I'm not sure I understand what Iruka-sensei is saying. Do you think you could help him demonstrate for the class?" More snickers for the blonde's joke.

Suzume coughed into her hand, ignoring the various other comments made. "Now, we're going to break for lunch, we'll continue our lesson plan afterwards."

The kids didn't have to be told twice, and neither did the two teachers have to watch them while they ate, so they headed down to the teachers lounge. When they got there, they found the room relatively empty, save for a few anatomy texts left behind by another teacher. Iruka opened up the cupboard and pulled out a couple ramen cups for the two of them, then set the kettle to boil the water. Having half an hour to kill, Suzume took the anatomy book and opened it to a random page.

At first she didn't think anything about what was on the page, but after a while she realized something. Slowly she smiled a crooked little smile. If _this _didn't shut those little brats up, nothing would.

* * *

As the students filed back into their seats, Iruka and Suzume quietly stood at the front of the room, their faces the same cool and collected masks they wore all day so far. Once Iruka took roll again, Suzume began speaking. "Alright children, now that we've covered the basics of human reproduction, I believe it time to move on to genital mutilation. Please open your new packets to page two."

The students did so, and all the boys in the class grimaced at the pictures displayed there. Iruka spoke up, "In this particular case, the penis was cut from the base of the shaft, all the way to the tip." Several groans came from the male audience, as Iruka began to go over several different types of genital mutilation of the penis, including complete castration.

By the end of Iruka's explanation, all the boys seemed to be fidgeting uncomfortably in their seats. Some were even covering their crotches with their hands, as if they were afraid that if they didn't, one of the girls would castrate them when they weren't looking. Because a guy would surely _never_ do that to another guy.

The girls however, were still snickering at the boys' grimaces. That's where phase two of her little plan came in. "Now class," she said, "if you will please turn to page six in your packets."

The class obeyed, and now it was the girls turn to blanch. Suzume continued, "In this particular case, the clitoris was removed, the vaginal walls were scraped, and the lips were sown together." Suddenly, each of the girls' faces either went very red, or very pale. In some cases it was an adorable mixture of both.

In the end, the plan worked. None of the students snickered, or made any more lewd remarks the rest of the day.


	12. Random Crossover 1985

**Title:** Random Naruto Crossover #1985  
**Words: **947  
**Rating: **T  
**Genre: **Snap! CRACKle! Pop!  
**Warnings: **Um… none? Takes place during the three year training trip with Jiraiya though, in case you're wondering.  
**AN:** Holy shit dude! I totally forgot I had a livejournal. And that this would be perfect for my drabbles collection.  
**Summary: **A meditation exercise gets a little weird.

* * *

'_Dammit'_

Naruto sat under a tree by himself, yet again. It was where he went a lot whenever Jiraiya would go peeping. He thumped the back of his head against the tree.

"Dammit."

He thumped his head again. He was tired. Sick and tired of this same exercise. He was certain that it was just Ero-Sennin's way of getting him out of the way when he wanted something else to do, but he couldn't really risk shirking off any training the pervert was willing to provide.

Naruto's thoughts began to drift, so he thumped his head once again to try and clear his head.

"Dammit to hell!"

Naruto decided to try one more time to actually meditate before calling it quits and going to do something else.

_'Clear mind. Clear mind. Clear mind.'_

His thoughts began to wander again. He began to see images of his friends from Konoha. He remembered the Ichiraku Ramen stand that he always ate at.

_'Clear Mind. Clear Mind. Clear Mind.'_

He remembered the day Iruka gave him his headband, the day he first met Kakashi, the mission to wave country.

_'CLEAR MIND. CLEAR MIND. CLEAR MIND DAMMIT!'_

_'Would you shut the hell up already?'  
_  
Naruto's eyes snapped open. He jumped up and looked around, trying to find the source of the voice, but nobody was around him.

Had he imagined that voice? It wasn't the Kyuubi's, because the fox had never been able to weaken the seal enough to communicate before. In fact, the only time he'd spoken to it had been the time Ero-Sennin threw him off that cliff.

No, this voice had been different. It didn't have the same echo like quality of the Kyuubi's voice, and it hadn't been as deep. 'Maybe I was actually getting somewhere with that meditation stuff.'

He sat back down and closed his eyes again. _'Clear Mind, Clear Mind, Clear Mind.'_

_'You ready to listen now?'_

_'Holy Shit! I didn't just imagine you.'_

_'No, you didn't. Congratulations, you figured it out.'_

_'What are you doing inside my head?'_

_'It seemed like an interesting place, so I decided to take a break here.'  
_  
Naruto frowned mentally. _'A break from what?'_

_'Searching.'_

_'Searching for what?'_

_'For people like you dip-shit.'  
_  
_'HEY!'_ Naruto did his best to shout at the voice without actually using his.

_'Calm down, or I won't tell you what makes you so special.'  
_  
Naruto blew a mental raspberry in his head, _'Yeah, you probably want the Kyuubi too right?'_

_'Kyuubi?'_ Went silent for a moment, then Naruto felt an intense pressure on his head.

_'What… the… HELL… do you… think… you're… DOING!'  
_  
No reply came, and the pressure simply continued for another minute. Then the pain let up, and the voice returned. 'Ah, yes, I suppose a gigantic demon would make you quite the individual, but that's not what I was talking about.'

_'What the fuck are you going on about?'_

_'Calm down and do exactly as I say. Concentrate on me, and only me.'  
_  
_'Oh I'll fucking concentrate alright.'_ Naruto thought of every way he could to get revenge against this guy for doing that shit to him. He'd rearrange his pretty little face the first chance he-

He? Naruto wasn't quite sure how, but he knew this voice belonged to a man. And he could see a blurry image of the man too. He tried hard to bring the image into focus. Slowly but surely, an image of a man smirking at him came into his mind.

But the focusing did not stop there. Somehow… he could see… beyond the man. He could see gray clouds floating behind him. Sometimes the gray clouds would part and reveal a ray of light, and others they would crash together and make a sort of black smoke.

_'You can me can't you?'_

_'Yeah.'_ Naruto answered dumbly.

_'Good, you're advancing just as quickly as I'd hoped.'_

_'What is this?'  
_  
Naruto could hear the voice chuckle. _'A little awestruck are we? People like you and me, we're connected. Not just to each other, but to all living things. You should be able to see anyone like this if you just concentrate hard enough.'_

_'What about the colors behind you?'  
_  
_'Yes, your are seeing my character. The light represents all my charity, and goodwill, and crap like that. The black represents greed, pride, hatred, and the rest of that shit too.'_

_'But you're almost completely gray.'_

_'That's good to hear, it's what I strive for. I've been told that I'm gray before, but I was afraid that I was just being told what I wanted to hear.'_

_'What does all this mean?'  
_  
The voice laughed more loudly this time. _'Boy, if I knew the answer to that, I'd know the meaning of life. Now boy, I can teach you more about this, but only if you let me. Do you accept?'  
_  
_'But I already have a teacher.'_

_'Good! Learn as much from him as you can. Learn from anyone who's willing to teach you something. You have to learn to gain power. Speaking of which, if you reach out around you, like you did when you felt me, you should be able to sense your teacher approaching.'  
_  
Naruto did as instructed, and sure enough, he could see in his mind's eye the Perverted Hermit himself.

_'One more thing, don't tell him about me. My teaching are for a select few, and I'd like to keep it that way.'_ Naruto could feel the voice's presence begin to leave him, and the image of the man began to fade.

'Wait!' Naruto tried desperately to grasp hold of the image. _'What's your name?'_

_'Revan.'_ Came the one word reply.


	13. Disgaea: House Call

**Title:** Disgaea – House Call  
**Words: **953 (I can't keep them short anymore Sob>)  
**Rating: **T  
**Genre: **I'm running out of different ways to say CRACK!  
**Warnings: **Maybe spoilers for Disgaea.  
**AN:** Another reminder, I'm accepting ideas, prompts and challenges. If you'd like to see me write something in this collection, say so in a review or e-mail me.  
**Summary: **The Hokage meets some key members of the 251st Division.

* * *

For the Third Hokage, not many things could make him fear for his life. In fact, he could probably count them all on one hand. 

1. The Kyuubi no Kitsune that attacked the village twelve years ago.  
2. Tsunade, after she caught Jiraiya peeping on her.  
3. Dragons.

That last one was a recent addition. Very recent. In fact, he'd only added it a couple minutes ago, when he'd rounded that corner and saw a ten foot long (not counting the tail), red-scaled dragon with an orange belly, laying on its back, mouth open, long tongue hanging out of the side. It seemed to be sleeping, what with the snoring and all (or at least he hoped those were snores and not growls,) but that didn't make its claws any less sharp, fangs any less pointy, or the flames that shot out of its nose every time it exhaled any less hot.

The dragon made a noise and rolled onto its side so that it was facing the now terrified Hokage. Fortunately, years of living as a ninja caused him to sub-consciously dodge the stream of flame that shot out of its nose at him.

Suddenly, the door to the rather large and new looking house slammed open, startling the Hokage out of his stupor. In the doorway stood a very voluptuous looking red-head, wearing a miniskirt and blouse that wasn't buttoned all the way up. Had Jiraiya been here, he would have broken his pen from taking notes so fast.

The girl glared, "Behemos!" One of the dragon's eyes opened in recognition. "You're singeing the lawn again!"

The dragon sat up and groggily turned his head towards the woman. "Oh, so-(Yawn)-sorry Reena-chan." The lizard flapped its wings a few times, lifting itself off the ground, and flew onto the roof of the house before settling back down to sleep.

The woman turned her gaze to the third, who almost immediately looked away, trying to discreetly wipe the blood from his nose. She cocked her head, "Can I help you sir?"

"Ah, y-yes. I understand this is where Uzumaki Naruto is living?" He replied.

She smiled sweetly at him, "Yes sir it is. Would you like to step inside?"

(Scene Break)

"Here you go Dood."

Sarutobi mutely took the tea offered to him by the… penguin-like… thing. He turned to his hostess, "What are those things?"

She put her tea down, "Hm? Oh, you mean the prinnies?" She cleared her throat a bit, "Prinnies are beings created every time a human dies with sins on their soul. Every prinny must earn a certain amount of money by doing menial labor for anyone who will hire them. Once they earn enough to cleanse their soul, then they are reborn at the next red moon."

The Hokage bristled a bit at the "red moon" part, but quickly covered it up. "And you brought them here because…"

She cocked an eyebrow at him. "Because we're rich and don't want to have to clean or cook or anything like that. Duh."

He sweat-dropped at that comment. "I see… Ah, what about you?"

She smiled innocently, putting her hand over her chest, "Oh! You want to know more about me do you?" She fluttered her eyebrows, causing the elderly man to have to turn his head away to wipe the blood from his nose again. "Well, if you must know, I am Commander Naruto's Vice-Commander. I am the one who writes the reports we send back to Laharl-sama, I also manage the 251st division's budget, and run things while the Commander is attending to his duties as a ninja of Konoha. I am also here to continue Naruto's training in controlling my little brother's demonic energy."

Sarutobi blinked. "Little… brother?"

"Hm?" She put a finger to her lip, "Didn't I mention that I'm Leonard's older sister?"

The Hokage shook his head, "No, I don't believe so, and who's Leonard?"

"Ah, sorry about that little oversight." Reena said, scratching the back of her head in embarrassment. "Leonard is the name of the Kitsune who attacked your village a while back." She sighed, completely ignoring the Hokage choking on his tea. "I really _must_ apologize for that. You see, all the men in our family tend to have inferiority complexes, since they are always weaker than the women in the family. My brother and father had it pretty bad too, and both were constantly trying to prove their strength by destroying things. Father wound up challenging the late King Krichevskoy to a duel and was ripped to shreds within seconds." She sniffled a little, and instantly a prinny appeared by her side with a handkerchief which she daintily accepted and wiped her tears away with. "And then my brother went and tried to destroy a ninja village, but got sealed into a human baby." She began sobbing into her hands, "Oh the shame they have brought our family!"

"Ah- w-well, why don't you tell me about that, er, dragon that was outside." Sarutobi hastily said, trying to change the subject.

She looked up, looking as if she had never cried. "Eh? You mean Behemos?" She shrugged, "Not much to say, he's the third most powerful member of the 251st, after Commander and myself of course. We keep him around in case something big happens."

It was the Hokage's turn to cock an eyebrow at her statement, "Something big?"

"Yeah, you know like… if an enemy army were to try and invade, or a giant demon decided to attack and Naruto and I weren't around to handle it. Then we'd send in Behemos." She nodded, "Oh, and we also keep him here to heat the house."

Sarutobi sweat-dropped, "I see."


	14. Random Crossover 457

**Title:** Random Naruto Crossover #457  
**Words: **467  
**Rating: **T  
**Genre: **Knock Knock. Who's there? CRACK!  
**Warnings: **AU for the Rescue Sasuke arc.  
**AN: **Dedicated to one of my favorite RPG's for the SNES.  
**Summary: **Team-7 is hired to clean out a small army. Chaos ensues.

* * *

"Well," Naruto said, tapping the map, "this looks like the place."

Sasuke looked at Sakura, "How the hell did Naruto get the map again?"

She shrugged, "I don't know, I could've sworn I took it away from him already."

Sasuke sighed and smacked his blonde teammate on the back of the head, then stole the map again, handing it to his pink-haired teammate. This got him a scowl from the more hyperactive ninja. "You could have just asked you know."

Sasuke didn't look at him, "That didn't work that last five times, it wouldn't work this time either."

"Yes it would've." Naruto replied, "We're already at the castle, so I don't need the map anymore."

"Whatever." Sakura sighed, "How are we going to get in?"

Sasuke was about to suggest climbing the walls, picking the locks on a balcony door and stealthily making their way in, or something equally ninja-like, when Naruto pounded on the large wooden doors. "Oi! Let us in already!"

At this point, Sakura and Sasuke were going to make some comment about how Naruto was being stupid, but their trains of thought were cut off when the door actually opened in response to the blonde's pounding. The two raised their eyebrows, when a voice came from inside, "Come in please, we've been expecting you. Hee-he-he-he-he!"

"Oh yeah, that's definitely not a trap." Sasuke deadpanned.

"Well the mission report said they weren't very smart." Naruto said. Then he gestured to the door, "Shall we?"

Sakura sighed, "Fine, let's get this over with."

* * *

"Welcome, _humans_, to my humble abode."

The three looked up to the top of a large staircase. There stood a short, fat, green-skinned creature, wearing white robes, looking far too smug for his own good. Sasuke stepped forward, and pulled the ninja-to from the sheath on his back, pointing towards the creature. "Ozzie, I presume."

The creature gave whooping laugh, its double chins and jowls shaking rapidly and making the members of Team-7 even more inclined to break his various body parts than before. "I see my greatness has reached your ears _humans._" He spread his arms wide, "Welcome to Ozzie's Fort. I'd show you around, but I'm afraid that you'd be dead before the tour was over." He began laughing again as he began floating down a hallway rapidly.

The three ninjas stood silent for a moment, before Naruto started laughing, "Jeez, how lame can one guy get?" He laughed again, "'I'd show you around but you'd be dead before it was over'? That's got to be the stupidest threat I've ever received!"

Sakura shook her head, but agreed with her teammate, "Nothing that ugly should be that smug. In fact, nothing that ugly should be alive as far as I'm concerned." She nearly gagged at the memory of Ozzie laughing.


	15. Extra Motivation

**Title:** A Little Extra Motivation  
**Words: **244  
**Rating: **K+  
**Genre: **Humor  
**Warnings: **OOC, and just god damn weird.  
**AN:** Have I ever mentioned that I love Johnny Cash?  
**Summary: **Itachi makes a last minute decision after knocking out Sasuke with the Mangekyou Sharingan.

* * *

Itachi wasn't the type of person to laugh. He never giggled, chuckled, guffawed, chortled, snickered or whooped, he never went "Fu-fu-fu" or "Ku-ku-ku" or "Ha-ha-ha" or "Hee-hee-hee" and he rarely, if ever smiled for anything. The perfect example of a stone-faced ninja.

Which was why, had anyone in the vicinity been alive, or conscious in his little brother's case, to see the Uchiha prodigy giggling madly as he scribbled a legal form, then went through the necessary processes to make sure it was infinitely binding, make he, Itachi, official clan head, by law of succession, the only one who could ever reverse or change such an order. With a final drop of his blood, and a thumbprint, the document became finished.

This, he thought to himself, this would make his little brother hate him even more than he would have before. Surely, nothing would have stopped his foolish little brother from chasing him, seeking nothing but his head, but this at least would motivate him to train more often than the loss of his family ever would.

He snickered again as he placed the document on his little brother's chest, and patted him twice on the head as a goodbye. "Goodbye foolish little brother. I hope you enjoy your new name."

Twelve hours later, the Uchiha compound was finally investigated, and the slaughter was revealed. The sole survivor was the little brother of the one who'd committed the massacre by himself, one Uchiha Kasumi.

_Inspired by: "A Boy Named Sue" by Johnny Cash_


	16. Disgaea: Tales From the Pit

**Title:** Disgaea – Tales From the Pit  
**Words: **675  
**Rating: **M  
**Genre: **I'm one crazy CRACKer!  
**Warnings: **Maybe spoilers for Disgaea. Excessive cursing. Really, really weird.  
**AN:** Definitely OOC for a certain character. Saying who would spoil it.  
**Summary: **Naruto shares some stories with his team.

* * *

It was their first mission of higher rank than D. Naruto had flat out refused the babysitting mission they were to be given, though he did so very politely, and they were thus given the bodyguard mission. Tazuna didn't seem like a bad guy by any means, but his boorishness grated on Sakura's nerves. She couldn't tell if he affected her teammates in the same way, because Kakashi and Sasuke just kept up their constant airs of indifference, and Naruto just smiled the whole way through the bridge builder's half-drunk ranting.

Of course, that ranting had stopped after Naruto and Kakashi had taken down those mist-nin who called themselves the Demon Brothers. The Copy-nin and the commander of the 251st Division had dispatched their would be dispatchers before Sakura and Tazuna had even realized what was happening. She would have included Sasuke in that last statement, but he was still as hard to read as ever.

And thus, the pink-haired kunoichi and her blonde teammate were sitting around the campfire, keeping watch while everyone else slept. Naruto happily smoked some marshmallows that he'd brought along, while Sakura watched him, but made sure to keep a close watch on her surroundings. Finally she asked a question that she'd been meaning to ask for weeks.

"What's Hell like?"

The way she asked it, you would think she was talking about a new restaurant. Naruto perked up, and flashed a broad grin. "Oh man, you wouldn't believe some of the crazy shit that goes on down there."

* * *

Ever since Etna had dragged him into the bar, Naruto couldn't take his eyes off of the little pink creature sitting in the corner, nursing a mug of beer, with several half-empty bottles of booze, liquor and tequila surrounding him. He was basically a pink ball with eyes and a mouth, and little pink nubs for hands and small red feet.

Etna poked Naruto in the head, "Don't stare at him, you'll only get him riled up." She whispered.

"I fuckin' heard that ya fuckin' bitch!"

There came a collective sigh from all the bar patrons as the pink creature tossed back the remnants of a vodka bottle, and then swallowed the bottle itself whole. He then grabbed another bottle (which was amazing since he didn't have fingers to grip it with) and headed in Etna and Naruto's direction. He leapt up onto the bar and pointed an accusatory nub at the red-head. "You think you're fuckin' better than me cuz' you're fuckin' the Overlord?"

Etna didn't even look at him while she responded, "I _am_ better than you, but not because of who I sleep with."

The pink creature spat on the floor, then glared at the young, dumbfounded blonde. "An' who's this fuckin' cockroach? You like your bitches young ya fuckin' whore?"

Etna snorted, "Please, he's Flonne's pet not mine." Then she pointed back to where he was sitting before. "Why can't you just shut up and drink your dinner quietly like the rest of us? Or do you feel so insecure with yourself that you need to pick on seven year-old humans _Kirby_?"

The puffball moved to smash the bottle against the bar, stopped, downed its remaining contents and _then_ smashed it on the bar. "You wanna go you fuckin' cockaroach? Fine, let's go!"

Etna glanced at the bartender, who sighed, and pulled Naruto away as a fight broke out between the two, and soon engulfed the whole bar. The blonde looked up at the elderly bartender. "What's his problem?"

The man rolled his eyes, "Tony's been like that ever since Laharl changed his form."

Naruto blinked, "Huh?"

The bartender looked down at the boy and said, "Long story short, he was a badass when he died, but he got on Laharl's nerves and ended up getting transformed into that. Nobody takes a cute pink puffball seriously when he tries to be a badass, so Laharl-sama thought it was a fitting punishment."

* * *

Sakura narrowed her eyes. "Is that true?"

"Every word." Naruto replied, happily munching on his smores


	17. Self Insertion!

**Title:** Self Insertion!  
**Words: **296  
**Rating: **T  
**Genre: **Parody  
**Warnings: **Dirty jokes, and some violence.  
**AN:** I don't really like self-insertions. Just, you know, FYI.  
**Summary: **When Alacron gets sucked into the world of Naruto

* * *

Young Kevin, a boy of 18 who really should have been studying for his finals lest he get kicked out of college and have to hold a full-time job while going to night school if he failed, was watching a Naruto AMV. He was a scraggly youth, unshaven, wearing dirty, worn clothes and drinking vast amounts of Coca-Cola. He chuckled lightly in that way that greatly disturbed his roommate, and muttered to himself, "Oh Naruto, what is it about you that attracts emo-kids to your show?"

Suddenly, a light burst from his computer screen, and all that was left behind were the strewn soda cans and half-eaten, now molding pizza that existed in the garbage can that he refused to take outside. His roommate sighed in relief, and opened the file on his laptop to his porn stash. "God dammit, I thought he'd never leave."

* * *

Kevin found himself standing in the middle of a forest. He blinked rapidly, wondering if he was having hallucinations from Nick's horrible wigger-ness again. As he turned around, he saw two men in green vests leap from tree to tree in his direction, and one hurled a gigantic shuriken at the other.

His eyes widened as the second man dodged the attack, but the weapon continued careening towards him. Because a lifetime of sitting on his ass doing nothing but eat crackers and drink coke, he was only able to utter, "What the fu-" before being decapitated.

* * *

Epilogue: Mizuki was found guilty of high treason, two counts of attempted murder, and one count of manslaughter. Cuz, you know, ninjas sort of frown on that thing… At least when they're not getting paid for it, or if it's for revenge, or if the perpetrator doesn't hold a lot of political power. Yeah. 


	18. Ozzie's Fort: Flea

**Title: **Ozzie's Fort - Flea  
**Words: **478  
**Rating: **T  
**Genre: **What the CRACK?  
**Warnings: **Still weird.  
**AN: **For those of you who don't know, all characters aside from Team-7 is from the SNES RPG Chrono Trigger. If you haven't played it, I pity you. Continuation of drabble 14.  
**Summary:** Team-7 meets the first boss of the fort.

* * *

The three ninja stepped into a large room that looked like an old arena. In the center stood Ozzie, the green mold of fat that fancied himself as some sort of great general. He laughed as they entered, sending shivers down their spines, not because he was scary, but just because he was so disgusting. The Akimichi clan had nothing on this guy.

"Well, I see you've made it here without getting killed." He cackled.

Naruto cocked his head to the side, "What was supposed to kill us? There was just a straight corridor from the entrance to here. What, was a brick supposed to fall from the ceiling and kill us?"

Ozzie scowled, and mumbled something to himself about thinking up better traps. "Any way, it's not as though you'll be leaving this room _alive_." He shouted, the door they'd just entered through slamming shut behind them. Team-7 didn't even turn around to acknowledge the sound the door made, but Ozzie continued on in his arrogance regardless. "Now you shall face the first of my great generals, FLEA!"

A haughty woman's laugh began to echo around the arena, and slowly a beautiful red-haired lady faded into view. She continued to laugh as she sized up the ninja before her. "Well, I see that Guardia has begun to scrape the bottom of the barrel in their quest to rid the world of mystics." She flicked her head, getting her braid off of her shoulder and accentuating her breasts as she did so. "Sir Ozzie, I assume that I'm to take care of this trash?"

Even Sasuke had to scoff at their targets. _'This is an A-Rank mission? These guys are so lame they can't even think up good insults.'_ The three ninja sighed as Ozzie and Flea continued on in their too loud conversation about how Flea was going to "Barbeque the little humans." It wasn't until five minutes later that Ozzie finally left, and Flea turned to face them.

Naruto turned to Sakura, "Well, I guess you're fighting this one."

The pink-haired girl looked the Jinchuriki quizzically, "Why me?"

"Cuz you're both girls, duh."

"Wha-" Flea stuttered, "Hey! I'm a guy you know!"

Team-7 stopped their impending argument, running their eyes up and down the mage's body, noticing the large breasts and rather curvy figure. "Are you sure?" Naruto asked.

Flea sniffed at him and turned her(his?) head away, smiling. "Well, it doesn't matter anyway. Beauty is power, and I've plenty of both."

The ninja remained silent for a while, until, as usual, Naruto spoke out, "Oookay, in that case, Sasuke gets this fight."

There was another silence, until the Uchiha turned to his blonde teammate, "Did you just call me a transvestite?"

"Don't start a fight you two." Sakura sighed, pulling her fingerless gloves on, "I'm still the one who's going to fight her."

"Him."

"Whatever."


	19. One Upping

**Title: **One-Upping  
**Words: **774  
**Rating: **T  
**Genre: **Humor  
**Warnings: **Cursing, semi-public drunkenness, crimes against decency… you know, like in college.  
**AN: **Continuation of Drabble #15: Extra Motivation. Also, is Deidara a man or a woman? I've heard it both ways, but I'm just going to go with woman, since there is a serious lack of females in the Akatsuki so far. Oh, and I'm making up some things, so a lot of this stuff is not canon, but it would be really cool if it was.  
**Summary:** The Akatsuki play a drinking game.

* * *

Itachi had originally scoffed at the idea. Imagine, how could the most dangerous shinobi in the world have nothing better to do than sit around and get drunk off their asses. Surely there must be something they could do, lay more traps, plan more attacks on Jinchuriki, or just find some people to kill for god's sake!

Well… to be fair, they had killed everyone from a rather large caravan that they'd stolen the sake from, and the sake was good. Strong and flavorful, and it wasn't long before a drinking game started. It was simple, but fun. A topic would be chosen (such as, "What was your greatest sexual exploit?") and each person would answer with their best story, trying to "One-Up" whoever had gone before them. If they couldn't, then they'd take a shot and would choose a new topic, or they could continue the same topic, until it reached the topic originator. If you reached the end of the line and the last person topped _everybody_ else, then everyone but the last person would take a shot.

The current topic was, "what was your last great hurrah before you left your village?" and it was currently Kisame's turn.

The shark-man smiled, revealing those rows of sharp teeth that would have unnerved anyone but this particular group. "Okay, so the Mist is surrounded by swamps right? So we've got this huge water purification system going, they're really proud of their water or some shit. I never really understood it, water is water, but I digress." He grabbed some peanuts from the center of the table and tossed them in his mouth. "Before I left, I summoned a school of sharks into the plant, and had them all piss in the tanks." Some chuckles came around the table, but most weren't really sure that one-upped Zetsu's story of eating the girl he was supposed to marry in order to create an alliance between the grass and another small village, but Kisame wasn't done yet. "But there was also this foreign dignitary staying in the Mist at the time, and he had ordered a gallon of sparkling water for some stupid-ass reason. So not only did I personally piss in the container that was to be delivered to him, but I also hid some of my special shark eggs in it. Last I heard, the little fuckers actually burst out of the poor bastard's chest."

That earned a resounding laugh from the group. Then all eyes turned to Deidara, who was nursing her sake calmly. "Well, as some of you know, I was a hunter-nin back in Stone. But the thing was, hunter-nin in the Stone are kept pretty isolated from the rest of society, and I was one of two women out of about fifty guys, and the other chick was like sixty, and scarred to fuck, so you can imagine the number of horndogs who came my way. Anyway, before I made my escape, I packed some C-1 into the uniforms of all the hunter-nin, but for the guys who always hit on me, I packed it into the crotch instead of the chest like everybody else." The guys at the table cringed at the thought.

Now came Itachi, who was the last to go. He never even opened his eyes as he began to explain. "I killed my entire clan, and nobody even knew that anything had happened until the next day when Uchiha weren't showing up for work. Hell, my little brother didn't even know anything was wrong until he made it into the compound, and he made it home just in time to se me kill our parents." The barest trace of a smile twitched onto his lips. "Once I had tested my Mangekyou on him, I decided to have a little fun. I got some legal documents, and filled out the proper forms to make me the legal head of the clan until I either died, or gave up the title, and since the Leaf's bureaucracy is so stagnant, and because the documents were made _before_ I was made a missing-nin, I can decree anything about my clan and it has to be enforced. The first thing I did was change my little brother's name from Sasuke to Kasumi." That earned a pretty big laugh from the table. "Of course, there's still so much that I can do to him, and I was thinking, do you think that I should make it mandatory for all members of the Uchiha clan named Kasumi to get breast implants?"

There was a silence, and then everyone but Itachi took a shot.


	20. 20th Chapter! W007!

**Title: **Disgaea – Not My Kind of Test  
**Words: **575  
**Rating: **T  
**Genre: **Humor/Crack, the usual  
**Warnings: **Spoilers only if you haven't made it to the Chuunin Exam arc, and seriously, if you haven't read/watched that far, why are you reading this?  
**AN: **W007! 20 drabbles in. Extra special author's note/omake at the bottom.  
**Summary:** Naruto takes the written exam of the Chuunin exams.

* * *

Sakura sighed as she put the finishing touches on her test. Since there was still thirty minutes left until the tenth question, her thoughts began to wander back to the earlier events, or more specifically, Naruto's antics. _'Try not to attract attention, Kakashi-sensei said, but does Naruto listen? No!' _She practically scoffed at the memories, first of Naruto getting into a fight with the Sound Ninja, and then of examiner Ibiki breaking up the fight with his sudden appearance. With his scarred face and imposing stature, he'd managed to shock everyone into silence…

Except for Naruto of course, who had cheerfully waved to the examiner while shouting at the top of his lungs, "HI BALDY!"

'_At least he seems to be behaving himself now…' _Sakura thought. He seemed to be in deep thought as he perused the test again, presumably to check his answers. Convinced that her blonde teammate was actually being responsible for once, she turned to Sasuke. _'Seems like he's finishing up too. Seems like we'll pass this test with no proble-'_

**RII-IP!**

All eyes were suddenly on Naruto, and Sakura's face fell. "Oh god." She mumbled, "He's not doing what I think he's doing is he?"

Indeed he was, Naruto ripped out another page from his test and began to fold it into a paper-shuriken, like he did with the first page. He seemed to be completely oblivious to the stares he was receiving, whistling away as he ripped more pages from his exam booklet and folded them into throwing stars. All the while Sakura was burying her face in her hands, on the verge of tears.

* * *

"You all… Pass!"

There were several gasps from the assembled genin, and one snort from Naruto as he woke up from his nap. As Naruto continued to attempt to wake himself up, Ibiki continued to explain the test, "The first part of the test was to see how well your espionage tactics were. By cheating and not getting caught, you were able to last until the tenth question, but in actuality, your answers don't even matter. All that mattered was that you accepted the risk of the tenth question."

Naruto blinked at that. "Seriously? Guess I don't need these then." Naruto pulled three perfect tests from his jacket, each labeled with the name of a member of Team-7, and began making more paper shuriken out of them. Ibiki cleared his throat to regain the attention of the rest of the genin and continued explaining.

Soon enough, Anko burst through the window and pinned up her sign. But just as she landed, and before anybody else could say anything, Naruto shouted out, "Hey, it's Busty McBreasts!"

Several Genin face-faulted onto their desks, and Anko suddenly went very quiet, and then face-palmed herself. "Oh shit, _you're _taking the test?"

Sakura looked between the two, wondering how in the hell Naruto knew the second examiner, and why he was calling her Busty McBreasts.

But Naruto just chattered on, oblivious to the stares he was getting. "By the way," he said, "Reena-Nee-Chan and I have a bet going on, and I was wondering…"

Several students began leaning forward unconsciously, eager to hear what wild thing would come out of the blonde's mouth next.

"…Are those real?"

All the seats in between Naruto and Anko were immediately evacuated in an attempt to get out of the crossfire of the shuriken and paper-shuriken fight that the two began having.

* * *

And now for something completely different.

* * *

The cloaked figure spun around on the barstool he was sitting on. He sipped the last of his margarita before addressing the audience, "Hi, I'm Alacron! You may remember from such fics as Fox-Hunter or Digital Demon Story. Today I'm here at The Bar to celebrate twenty chapters in my drabbles collection. And while I'm here I'm going to make a few announcements.

"First off, thank you all for reading, and a special thanks to those who reviewed. I enjoy every review I get, and it's you guys who really spur me on to keep writing. Cheers to you.

"Second, I would like to reiterate that I am looking for requests and prompts for my drabble collection. I don't want this to just be about all my crazy-weird ideas, I'd like to exercise my creative muscle so that it's not so puny anymore. So any ideas that you want me to try and write, please say so in a review or e-mail.

"Third, I would just like to say that," The figure tore off his cloak, revealing a hideous decaying being. His hair was falling out, his skin was loose and gray, and he was completely missing a jaw, but was still somehow perfectly capable of speech. "**YOUR SOULS NOW BELONG TO ME! FROM NOW ON I WILL ONLY WRITE CRAPPY CROSSOVERS WITH SERIES YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF, AND I'LL NEVER EVEN GET PAST THE FIRST CHAPTER! BUT YOU'LL KEEP READING AND ALLOWING ME TO DRAIN YOUR LIFE FORCE BECAUSE I AM ON YOUR AUTHOR ALERT LIST, AND YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO WITH YOUR SAD PATHETIC LIVES!**"

The Undead being launched into a maniacal laugh, though none of the other patrons seemed fazed. In fact, he kept laughing for a good five minutes until a teenage boy stormed inside, and smacked the zombie upside the head. He then proceeded to fasten the cloak around his frame, "God dammit Zomgore, can't I study in peace without you trying to ruin my reputation?"

Zomgore rubbed his head where he was smacked, and mumbled a "no" before returning to his drink.

The real Alacron turned to face the audience, and cleared his throat. "You'll have to forgive Zomgore, he has a really low intelligence score. And just to clear things up, I am not going to steal your souls, and I don't think you guys are pathetic… Well, most of you anyway."

The author cleared his throat again. "What I'm really trying to say here is, thank you all for reading, and I hope you continue reading for the next twenty chapters."


	21. Self Insertion: Take 2

**Title:** Self Insertion – Take 2  
**Words:** 526  
**Rating: **T  
**Genre: **Parody  
**Warnings: **Foul language  
**AN:** God-DAMN it's been a long time since my last update. Continuation of drabble #17.  
**Summary: **Apparently Kevin has some sort of destiny to fulfill; too bad reality won't play along.

* * *

After a rather strange experience that could be best described as being forcefully pushed into a Coca-Cola bottle, punted by a very burly football player, and recovering from a weeklong videogame binge all in one moment, Kevin found himself becoming well acquainted with the floor. It was a very nice floor, being made of wood and had a very nice finish to it. It was either new or very well taken care of. In fact, he would rate it as the second best floor he'd woken up on. 

The sound of someone clearing their throat let him know that he wasn't alone. Experience had taught the young man that it was usually best to play dead in such situations, if he was lucky, who ever owned the 2nd best floor would simply throw him outside without asking any questions like, "Would you mind moving? We're expecting guests soon." Or "Could you please explain what you're doing in my laundry room?" or "Who are you and why aren't you wearing pants." Speaking of which, Kevin began going through a mental checklist of articles of clothing he may or may not be missing.

He didn't make far down the list before the owner of the floor spoke up again. "I know you're awake, now please stand up so that I don't have to hurt you."

Reluctantly, Kevin stood to his full height and looked around, trying to get his bearings. Several people with blue jumpsuits and green vests were in the room, as well an old man in white and red robes. He looked behind him and saw a group of three kids and another man in a jumpsuit. His eyes widened in recognition as he realized just who all these people looked like.

He turned his attention to the front of the room, where the man who he assumed to be the Hokage quietly whispered something to another ninja. The subordinate nodded and vanished in a puff of smoke, presumably running some sort of errand. As the Sandaime directed his attention back to the teen in front of him, he steepled his fingers in front of his face and in a very calm voice asked, "I have a few questions for you, if you don't mind."

* * *

As Kevin finished his explanation of everything he remembered, (including dying) he sighed. It sounded even stupider when he said it aloud. To his amazement, the Hokage nodded, "I understand."

Kevin blinked, "Wait, you're not weirded out by any of this? Cuz, you know, it freaks me the hell out, so…" he attempted to think of something else to say, but just kind of trailed off instead.

"No, we've had some rather strange things happen around here, so I guess I'm a little used to things like this." It was at this point that the door behind Kevin opened. "Ah, Ibiki."

The teen paled, "Ibiki?" he squeeked out as two large, scarred hands suddenly planted themselves on his shoulders.

The Hokage continued, "It seems that we have a spy who's not very good at his job. Please convince him to tell the truth."

Kevin hung his head, "Well shit."


	22. Ozzie's Fort: Right Into My Trap

**Title: **Ozzie's Fort – Right Into My Trap  
**Words: **502  
**Rating: **T  
**Genre: **Crack  
**Warnings: **Foul language and idiocy  
**AN: **I swear to god, this actually happens in-game.  
**Summary:** Team-7 must overcome the first of Ozzie's "traps"

* * *

"Well they certainly know how to run away." Sakura said as she and her team entered the next room.

Naruto sighed, "We've had weed-pulling missions more difficult than this. How the hell has this Ozzie guy managed to live this long without getting killed?"

"Like I said, he's good at running away." Sakura replied. "Right Sasuke?"

The Uchiha, who was in front of his teammates, stopped walking as they reached a stone bridge over what seemed to be a bottomless pit. Running along either side of the bridge were two conveyer belts, as well as several chains hanging from the ceiling. At the end of the hall, above the bridge, Ozzie stood next to what looked like a convoluted set of levers, pulleys and switches, giggling with glee as he watched the ninjas examine the room. After five or so minutes, when they still had not entered the room, Ozzie began to get angry.

The green mystic began tapping his foot on the ground impatiently. "Well?" He asked. "What the hell are you waiting for, get in here already."

The members of Team-7 glanced at one another. Naruto shrugged, "At least he actually has a trap this time."

Sasuke nodded and made his way across the bridge first, followed by Sakura, with Naruto bringing up the rear.

Ozzie let out a mighty guffaw as they reached the center of the bridge. "You fools! You walked right into my trap."

Naruto let out a fake gasp, "A trap? Oh no, whatever will we do?"

Sakura placed her hands on her chest, "What misfortune, I am so very frightened now. Why must I die at such a young age?"

Ozzie took no notice as he began to operate the many contraptions beside him. Suddenly the conveyer belts began to move, and the chains began to be pulled into the ceiling. Along with the sounds of gears creaking, the team's eyes widened as they heard a beastly howl come from below them. Before too long, large ogre like creatures rose from the pit, grasping the chains. The monsters let out snarls and in-human laughs as they leapt from the chains to the conveyer belts below them. Before long Team-7 found themselves surrounded.

Naruto smirked, "Finally, a real fight."

As one, the ninja drew their weapons and fell into fighting stances. Just as they prepared to attack their burly opponents, the conveyer belts carried the ogres away, and over the edge, screaming as they fell back into the pits below.

A minute passed in complete silence. Sasuke blinked, and then again. _'That couldn't have just happened, could it?'_ he thought to himself.

Slowly, all three turned their heads up to look at Ozzie again. The mystic's mouth was agape with the same shock as the ninja's. "O-" He stuttered, "Ozzie's in a pickle!"

Quickly the green monster began to float and rushed to the next room. Team-7 watched him in shock the entire time. Sasuke finally hung his head and muttered, "This is so fucking stupid."


	23. Disgaea: Birth

**Title: **Disgaea - Birth  
**Words: **586  
**Rating: **T  
**Genre: **Crack  
**Warnings: **Innuendo, affronts to god, goo.  
**AN: **I have to say, I'm really fond of that name.  
**Summary:** The 251st gets a new member, and Team-7 gets mentally scarred.

"Why do we always meet at Naruto's house?" Sasuke asked.

Sakura turned a glare to the kitchen where their sensei had gone, "Well," she said, "it could have something to do with the fact Reena-san is always flirting with our sensei."

Sasuke resisted the urge to roll his eyes, "If by flirt, you mean the _she_ is constantly rubbing herself against him while _he_ tries and miserably fails to feign disinterest, then yes, I guess they are flirting."

"I really don't think that a whisk is made for th-YAH-at!"

"Don't be such a prude mask-boy." Came Reena's husky voice. "Now gimme some sugar."

Sakura and Sasuke sweat-dropped, but Naruto pretended not to notice. "Because my place has the best food. Not that I'm really in the mood to eat at the moment…"

The team's attention turned to the dragon that was lying in the corner of the living room, clutching his stomach and moaning horrendously. Sakura turned to her blonde teammate, "Shouldn't you, like, do something about him?"

Naruto rubbed his chin in thought, "Well, I could blast him into the stratosphere with a wind spell."

Sasuke quirked an eyebrow, "How would that help him?"

Naruto looked genuinely confused, "_Help_ him?"

They were interrupted by Behemos' moans suddenly being replaced by a horrifyingly grotesque retch followed by series of hacking coughs, spitting up some kind of mucus all the while. The genin watched in morbid fascination as a large bulge appeared at the base of the dragon's throat and slowly worked its way up.

"Oh… my… god…" were the only words to make it out of Sakura's mouth.

Finally, the lump made it all the way up to the mouth, and the dragon spit a large, greasy, brown… blob thing out onto the carpet before falling backwards, breathing heavily.

"That… was probably the most disgusting thing, ever." Sasuke deadpanned

Naruto looked the blob over with a discerning eye. "I'd say it's about, oh, the third largest loogie I've ever seen. Not bad."

Sakura took a step back, "Guys, I think it's _moving_."

Sure enough, the brown blob was jiggling back and forth, and becoming more violent by the minute. Before long a tiny creature erupted from the center, spraying brown goo and mucus all across the room, and the members of Team-7 barely had time to cover their faces before the spray hit them. Where blob once sat on the floor there was now only a creature that was best described as a writhing mass of legs and teeth.

Reena poked her head into the room, "What's going on in here?"

Sakura responded without taking her eyes off the creature, "Well, your dragon coughed up something, and then it… hatched."

Naruto tried wiping some bits of goo off of his jacket, "I think you're confusing 'hatch' with 'fucking explode.'"

Sasuke resisted gagging, "Congratulations Behemos, you just gave birth to a crime against all that is holy."

Behemos could only moan in response.

Reena walked over and got a closer look at the organism, "Oh hey, I know what this is! It's a Verdugo!"

Naruto's face split into a huge smile, "Seriously? I was gonna kill it, but now I think we should keep it."

Sasuke and Sakura stared at him incredulously, is it possible that he could be even more _insane_ than they thought?

Naruto ignored them and picked up the insectoid, "I'm gonna name you Orangey."

'Orangey' responded by biting him on the wrist.

"I can already tell that we're going to be best friends."

**AN:** The Verdugo was blatantly stolen from Resident Evil 4, and its name is apparently Spanish for "Executioner."


End file.
